Today, I realize why I’ve fallen out of love with everything that I have ever loved. Money. It’s the root of all evil because it destroys the root of childlike dreams. Once upon a time we all did things for love. We gave our time to others because we enjoyed playing with other kids. We gave our creativity to projects because the work of our hands were the expressions of our souls. We gave our love because love first gave to us. But then somewhere in that growing stage we learned that life isn’t quite so beautifully netted together on this planet because freedom is an illusion. Learning to fit into society and follow the rules of what’s accepted in the robotic realm of a people placed through the assembly line of comformity is a slow death to what is good and pure. And there we are taught to make ourselves small, silent and suitable to society’s expectations of us in order to be gifted the chance to give and receive love.
I woke up this morning with the same brainstorm that’s been brewing for years now; gaining strength with each day within a world of chaos and poverty looming. It’s as if my mind was formulating creative projects in sleep – that of TV commercials, script writing and music video compilations. In the twilight moments I was trying to determine the name of a new marketing agency I would launch with the idea to collect my portfolio and post it on a website. I even would have a vintage section featuring commercials spots I created that aired for major brands like Valvoline, Pennzoil and professional sports teams. Those were fun times; very fun times, until they weren’t anymore. What started as an unbridled passion flourishing as a rose that had finally found the soil to bud and bloom soon thereafter became a prison of sorts. Creative is subjective to the eye of the beholder when that one is paying the bills. I remember spending countless hours and sleepless nights researching consumers, competition and then crafting creative strategies that were sure to turn heads and differentiate the brand – only to be met with, “I think this would be better.” or, “What if we did that?” People often want to employ in marketing what they think, love and lean towards, not realizing that they are not the target audience and the customers they aim to please are very opposite that of their own preferences. I had a foolproof system; an algorithm of the mind of sorts that I couldn’t explain with words ever. I just GOT IT. I was very good at what I did.
The money for the sake of pleasing others in order to use my gifts to survive and feed my family had slowly but surely destroyed the love I had for marketing. What was good became tarnished by the chains of constraint.
This happened to me over and over again – following me into the world of real estate where I had become one of the most successful agents in the market I served. But there to, people didn’t understand what I truly was doing to set records for them and make them so much more money on the their listings above and beyond the norm. They had no idea how much strategy, time and effort with creative abilities unheard of in the industry went into the results I was able to achieve for them. I realized one day that I was no longer an expert luxury listing agent with a marketing background that couldn’t be touched by anyone else in the field. I was a psychiatrists, a sponge for sadistic energies and a punching bag for the rich who appreciated very little that they had or could gain.
Then in hit me in my marriage. Money lured in relatives of my ex-husband and behind my back, before I could even know what had hit me, my love was sold. Twenty four years in someone’s life as his partner in all things, his warrior who never left his side through three years from the valley of death and the mother of his children all were titles I had worn and roles that I had played with a price tag attached. I was disposable for the right dollar amount. And so it was.
Today I see the same type of war brewing between my daughter and I as we are both stressed under pressure with limited funds coming and living expenses too steep for my current income arrangement as a flight attendant. We fight. We argue and hurt one another. We have resentment and expectations that fall short because what once was expected no longer is. So I ask myself, what is love? What is it really? If it’s fueled by conditions and motivations from a seed of what can be gained from another then are we not all nothing more than jewels in a jewelry store?
Can you hear the commercial script that might define you?
“If you choose this one you can expect a life in luxury and a worry free weightless path.”
“And on this other shelf we have this beautiful diamond arrayed with peace. She won’t earn you money or fame but she’s nice to look at.”
“And then over in this corner we have the workhorse diamond. She’s quite the figure and will do anything it takes to keep you healthy, alive and thriving while you are able to sit back, relax and enjoy her service.”
I can see how I’ve been worn many different labels in many different connections throughout my life. This leads me to the last one and most recent heartbreak I’ve experienced.
I was the fantasy diamond – kind of like a gene in a bottle. I fell head over heels for a man I thought had loved me who enjoyed the weightless, no-strings-attached, weekend get aways beneath the sheets. And that turned into something my mid can’t even truly grasp. He wanted to share me with others by way of a popular business model in Hollywood and beyond. “You’re crazy if you don’t do something with your looks. You should have an only fans account with sexy pictures, videos and skits that show off your body. You are the fantasy.” The opportunist. And that’s where I fell out of love with him.
I don’t want to ever again be under someone’s price tag. I don’t want to be told what my worth is by a detached business person who feels superior in criticizing my creative, an entitled millionaire who grants no appreciation for the doubled digits return on their investments at the hand of my efforts or a lover who has sized me up as a jewel that has the potential to create wealth and riches in this fallen world.
The best things in life are free. I am that. Free. And even if no one other than me can see the substance placed within me, I know. And what I have, money can not buy.
I had a vision a few nights ago where I was told, “Do it for me,” as I saw video shots of sculpting. The following few days I saw an idea trying to come together in my thoughts. Sculpting. Scripts. Songs… A story in the stars.
My soul has something to say and it may not be accepted by all, or even many. But the ones God has for me will be my audience. Even if it’s one.
The first step is unravelling the chains that bind me to a blanket of fear this world subscribes to; the fear of not being able to pay bills. I want to be free of the obligations to uphold a living style that will create safety and joy for my daughter because in doing so I’m serving a master that isn’t God. So, I’m seeking a simpler way of life so that I can breathe and find my voice within that remembers what it’s like to be childlike and to do all things in love, without worry, heavy weights and desires to please others in order to be loved.
And in the meantime and beyond, I will be the voice of what is far greater than me – the puzzle piece maker, the immortal author and the one who has defeated this world and its systems; Jesus….