Before I Gave my Life..

Before my entire purpose on this earth became a servant to everyone else, who was I? Before I learned how to please others in order to have peace and before I became the wingman to the reckless wrongs others choose to live inside of, what did I want to do and what did I want to be?

I feel like the revelations come so fast I can hardly catch my breath. And I feel like I’ve been making excuses for the ones who blame me for their behavior; when in fact, they’ve done this to others too. My ex husband and his brother destroyed their mother, laying all of their burdens upon her shoulders throughout their entire lives and still today. And my daughter has never shown me anything but rebellion since she was little. If I told her to wear a coat because it was cold outside she’d put on a tank top just to spite me. When I’ve spent lavishly to celebrate her life (like on her 21st birthday), she thanked me by having me sit with her in the bathroom of the fine dining restaurant I limo’d 24 of her friends to with my finger on the 911 button after she had downed an entire bottle of vodka. When we she moved in with her friend in Houston my phone never stopped ringing with news of her actions. And I recall her crying to me that they were bad friends for leaving her belligerent in dangerous places after she got drunk and refused to go home with them. She moved here and did this to me nonstop and even destroyed my car and burned all my clothes. If I forbid her to be a good girl she’d likely go do that too, just to show that no one can tell her what to do and to act out in hopes someone will come save her. I went through this same thing with her dad. I remember being 9 months pregnant picking him out of his brother’s bushes and begging him to go to work (drunk) so that we could pay our already late rent payment. I remember having two toddlers and driving across town to beg the cops not to take him to jail (drunk) as he claimed he was drugged. They’re two peas in a pod. And I’ve labored for 24 years trying to save people and change people that don’t want to be saved or changed.

I’m done.

I’ve decided to disappear from all of them because God has repeatedly told me to do so. I’ve been rebellious and even have given way time and time again after I got what I prayed for… freedom. l can not do this again. I will not. Everyone is fully grown and making choices that are part of their divine path. I am not to get in their way any longer.

/0 Comments/by

HE SETS THE LONELY IN FAMILIES

We live in societies that value the family unit above all things. And yet we see the brokenness of those family units in virtually everything that pains the world today. War on the exterior is often a manifestation of what plagues us in our interiors. And yet, we stay true to and stay grounded with situations that are oftentimes more like prison walls than safe havens of love.

In my own life, I have struggled for as long as I can remember with loneliness. And yet, I’ve only been alone for very short windows of time. I remember when I first began studying scripture many years ago, I was approached by a woman from Nigeria who told me, “There is power in the word of God.” She would call me daily and give me scriptures and then she would pray with me. She was in those moments teaching me to pray and to use God’s word as a weapon of truth to give me confidence in what I was asking the Lord to provide for me.

My first heartfelt prayer was a cry that was rooted in loneliness, although it would take me years to understand that. God moved quickly and swiftly to gift me a door of escape but I didn’t realize it. I thought I was to stay and suffer alongside members of my family even far beyond the initial blow, and eventually in a season of heightened abuse. I became so defeated mentally and spiritually that my body began to shut down in sickness too. And yet I still stayed, telling myself that I deserved the punishment and that maybe the pain was God’s will for me.

By a type of miracle I still can’t describe, I was kicked out of my family and immediately thereafter I began healing mentally, spiritually and even physically. However, just as Pharaoh changed his mind after God put it on his heart to send the Israelites away – thereafter going after the prisoners to pull them back into captivity, I too had connections that continued to pull me back into captivity. I still didn’t know that all the events that had taken place were in God’s answering prayers that I had sent into Heaven.

It seems strange to connect loneliness with God’s will. I thought God wanted us to be in joy and togetherness with others. And that he certainly does; hence the provisions he makes on our behalf. He would part seas and even move mountains to get us away from situations that are harmful to us and keep us away from walking in the perfect plan that he has for our lives.

The scripture on my heart today says, “God sets the lonely in families to draw out the prisoners, but the rebellious live in sun scorched lands.” – Psalms 68:6

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for answering my prayer and for opening doors of escape for me. I ask you to forgive me for not following through in the opportunities you gifted me. And yet, I know that you know my thoughts and my heart too. So you already know that I didn’t understand. I ask you to do it again Lord. Lead me out of captivity and set all of us on the path that you light as you pour out blessings upon our lives. Lord you are the Father of Lights who only sends good gifts. You don’t intend for us to be lonely, abused or live as prisoners serving those who cause us harm and leave us feeling empty and defeated inside. So Lord I align with your perfect will for my life today and ask you to bless me with freedom, love, hope and faith unshakable as you give me another chance to choose rightly and say “Yes” to your freedom you offer me now. Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me and thank you that you are the same Father yesterday, today and tomorrow – still able, willing and lovingly constructing your plans to give me hope, a future and life more abundantly.

In Jesus’ name. Thank you Lord.

Amen

/0 Comments/by