Before I Gave my Life..

Before my entire purpose on this earth became a servant to everyone else, who was I? Before I learned how to please others in order to have peace and before I became the wingman to the reckless wrongs others choose to live inside of, what did I want to do and what did I want to be?

I feel like the revelations come so fast I can hardly catch my breath. And I feel like I’ve been making excuses for the ones who blame me for their behavior; when in fact, they’ve done this to others too. My ex husband and his brother destroyed their mother, laying all of their burdens upon her shoulders throughout their entire lives and still today. And my daughter has never shown me anything but rebellion since she was little. If I told her to wear a coat because it was cold outside she’d put on a tank top just to spite me. When I’ve spent lavishly to celebrate her life (like on her 21st birthday), she thanked me by having me sit with her in the bathroom of the fine dining restaurant I limo’d 24 of her friends to with my finger on the 911 button after she had downed an entire bottle of vodka. When we she moved in with her friend in Houston my phone never stopped ringing with news of her actions. And I recall her crying to me that they were bad friends for leaving her belligerent in dangerous places after she got drunk and refused to go home with them. She moved here and did this to me nonstop and even destroyed my car and burned all my clothes. If I forbid her to be a good girl she’d likely go do that too, just to show that no one can tell her what to do and to act out in hopes someone will come save her. I went through this same thing with her dad. I remember being 9 months pregnant picking him out of his brother’s bushes and begging him to go to work (drunk) so that we could pay our already late rent payment. I remember having two toddlers and driving across town to beg the cops not to take him to jail (drunk) as he claimed he was drugged. They’re two peas in a pod. And I’ve labored for 24 years trying to save people and change people that don’t want to be saved or changed.

I’m done.

I’ve decided to disappear from all of them because God has repeatedly told me to do so. I’ve been rebellious and even have given way time and time again after I got what I prayed for… freedom. l can not do this again. I will not. Everyone is fully grown and making choices that are part of their divine path. I am not to get in their way any longer.